How to Turn Setbacks to Your Advantage

Setbacks happen. They can be life shattering, like divorce, or mildly annoying, like having to wait for the next bus because the current one is full.

This has been my week of setbacks. It began with a battery that died at a bad time, followed by two difficult days at work, and has continued with the maybe end of a delightful love affair. Suffice to say, I have had better weeks.

When setbacks cascade like this, it is easy to assume that life is heading off on some doomed trajectory. It can feel overwhelming. It can feel like you will be down forever.

The good news is, setbacks are not forever. You can deal with setbacks, and you can turn them to your advantage.

First, you have to deal with the setback:

• Surrender in the moment. When you first meet a set back, you will have an emotional response. Anger. Sadness. Disappointment. Don't fight it - just feel it. 
• Show yourself kindness. It can be as quick as forgiving yourself in the moment, or it can require more time, like going for a run or a swim. Don't skip this step.
• Identify the immediate issue. Once the emotions have passed, identify the issue. If you've missed a bus, the issue is that you will be delayed or that you must find a new route. 
• Act on the issue, not the emotion. Take targeted action on the issue you have identified. If you've been delayed, let someone know you will be late. If you need to find a new route, ask someone or consult a map.

Acting on emotions rather than issues is ineffective. If your emotions are not subsiding, wait. Talk to someone you trust before acting. Talking out loud about a situation diffuses emotions and gives clarity to the real issue.

Once the immediate issue is dealt with, turn the setback to your advantage by following these 3 steps:

1. Analyse. Your life is your best teacher. How did this setback arise? What emotions did it bring up? Why? Were they a help or a hindrance? Was it easy or difficult to address the issue at hand?
2. Prepare. This new information is valuable. It shows you what steps you can take to prevent or mitigate similar setbacks in future. Did that run really clear your head after an argument? Would it be worth picking up a transport map?
3. Harness. Every setback is an opportunity. It is a chance to improve, refine, change direction, and to become a better you. Harness this. Find the good shit in the bad shit.

With practice, turning setbacks to advantages becomes habit. You can master this alchemy, starting now.

What has set you back recently? How will you turn this to your advantage?

Essentials: Work

Keeping a boat running is a lot of work.

On the boat, everyone has a set barge task. Well, everyone at the moment except for me.

The assigned barge work amounts to 2 hours per week. Currently, there are more people than set roles. As the newest person, I haven't been assigned an official task yet.

While waiting for my name to be added to the communal white board task list, I asked the admiral if I could come and help on his newest boat instead.

Up on deck

Currently docked in a shipyard in Brentford, this barge was not more than a hull when the admiral bought it.

I spent a bright Sunday afternoon in December on this new barge, with the admiral and 3 of my shipmates.

The dock at low tide

The setting was one of nautical industry. The admiral was buzzing, seeing his dream of another house barge emerging from the strong steel hull.

My reception on board wasn't entirely warm, however. From one shipmate, I was met with a blunt "Construction work is not for girls" before being promptly ignored.

The day was clear and bright

I find that the best way to deal with being dismissed is to show intent through action. I got stuck in wherever I could, first sweeping and making tea, then moving boards and insulation.

Once it was seen that I was there to work, I was shown how to use the circular saw and the jigsaw and asked to cut some board.

Then, I put up a wall before finally finding my niche - adding silicon sealant to windows and installing them up on deck.

The admiral gave a lot of thought to the windows, looking to make sure plenty of natural light will fill the cabins and hallways below deck. In this way, I worked happily until the sun began to set and all the windows were in.

Satisfaction

As we lost the light, we stowed tools and stacked wood. We tidied everything away, ready for the next day.

Until my contribution is decided at home, I will get stuck in where I can, adding my labour to the communal pool to help make things happen.

It is an essential of boat life - everyone works. Our work has a tangible meaning - the result is something we can see and feel and experience. There is immense satisfaction in this.

3 Simple Ways to Care for Yourself

When you are setting your priorities in life, how do you make sure to look after yourself everyday?

Blogger Minimal Student writes a thought provoking piece on persistence, a lesson she learned over time through running. It is an excellent article, but perhaps the most profound snippet is found toward the end:

I had neglected my body for years, but now it was one of my highest priorities. Being healthier became a part of my daily life, rather than something I begrudgingly tried to fit into it.

Why is caring for ourselves something that we try to 'fit in' around everything else?

We see around us global epidemics brought about by poor lifestyle. Obesity is outwardly visible, and stress, anxiety, and depression are hidden. Both are precursors to more serious conditions, like cardiovascular disease, hypertension, and stroke, among others.

These epidemics have their roots in a failure to prioritize self, in favour of prioritizing the external. I understand why this happens - if we aren't deliberately focusing on our well being, it is easy to get distracted by the life going on all around us, rather than the life we are living.

So what can we do about it? Here are 3 simple ways to start caring for yourself today:

1. See caring for yourself as a part of your day. If you conceive of self care as naturally as waking up, getting dressed, or brushing your teeth, you will do it. Adopt the mantra - Taking care of my self is part of my day, not something that I squeeze in. 
2. Do it for yourself. Don't lose weight for your partner. Don't stop smoking for your kids. Don't start eating healthy to be on trend. Do these things for you. Know that you are doing them for you, as a way to show yourself love. Don't share that gift with anyone else. When you regularly care for yourself, you will be a better partner, parent, and friend just by being yourself. 
3. Stop rushing and start planning. By now, it's clear that self care is pretty damned important. What do we do for important things? We plan. Take time today to plan for self care tomorrow. Pack your running gear tonight. Make a shopping list for the ingredients that you need to pick up tomorrow. If you go into self care in a rush, you will carry that negative feeling of rush and stress with you.

These 3 simple ways to care for yourself can be applied to anything you would like to do to show yourself care - it's the same whether you are looking to take exercise as much as if you are wanting to meditate. 

Do those things every day that will help you to be the best you. You owe it to yourself.

Minimizing Fear

Fear is a funny thing.

It is at once an instinct that keeps us from harm, while also being an irrationality that holds us back. Plus, it feels bloody awful in the moment.

An unexpected side effect of the last several months has been the decrease in the fear that I feel. As I moved away from the end of my marriage, as I got my mind sorted out, as I started to make decisions, and when I started to work on Operation Greenrock - at each step, the fear that I carried lessened a bit.

That said, I still have fears...

Arriving home on a December evening

I feel fear in the dark. The end of my walk home takes me through a very dark park to the river's edge, where the waiting lights of the boat eventually rise up out of the river.

The piss loo window on a Tuesday morning in December

I feel fear sitting on the piss loo (so named because we have a separate loo for doing "big jobs") in the early morning, thinking about what creepy crawlies might surprise me mid-stream.

My (incomplete) fear inventory from there goes something like this:

• Fear of taking risks
• Fear of not being able to take care of my self
• Fear of foxes, rats, bees, and spiders
• Fear of losing face
• Fear of missing out 

What can you do about fear?

The key to reducing fear involves three steps:

1. Surrender to it in the moment. Fear, like all emotions, is inherently valid when you feel it. Ride the wave out and be kind to yourself afterwards. Remember: your feelings don't define you.
2. Build a body of proof that you are stronger than you think. When you are doing something that shows objectively that you are capable, be mindful of it. Pause and become the observer. Take note. Say to yourself, "Look what I can do". 
3. Set yourself challenges. As you build up your body of proof that you are stronger than you think, set yourself small challenges to your fear. When I still felt a powerful fear when faced with making decisions, I started out with making a very small decision, like what to eat for dinner.

Reducing fear over time involves a cycle of steps 1-3, not always repeating in that order, with an emphasis on diligent mindfulness throughout. 

As I continue pursuing a more minimal lifestyle, minimizing fear steadily is as important to me as minimizing the amount of stuff in my life.

What are you afraid of? What one thing could you do today to challenge your fear?

Watch and Learn

I'm posting this a day later than I wanted to. It has been a challenge to get my rustic internet solution up and running, but I am pleased to report that it is working now. Sort of.

I digress - I have moved into the boat, and I have had my first night on the water.

Rule #1 of introducing yourself to a new culture: Watch and Learn

In a new environment, it is safe to assume that you know next to nothing about how things work. You might have an idea or two, you might have read something somewhere... no. The real experts are the ones around you.

My first day on the boat began with moving everything in. With the help of two of the coolest guys that I know, Joe and Norbert, we were able to get everything from the old flat to the boat in one trip in a Zipcar Touran. 

Job done, and following a well-deserved beer in the pub, I returned to my floating home to face the reality of what I'd chosen to do. I got down to the more-complicated-than-in-a-flat task of unpacking and finding homes for my things.

Dressing a duvet in a small space is a challenge. Unpacking a large suitcase in a small space is a challenge. Deciding how to use the shelf space is a challenge. But in the end, I think I got it looking quite good:

The view from the front of my cabin

And the view from the back of the cabin!

The big reveal? All the walls in my cabin are painted with chalkboard paint! This ensures I will always have something to do, even when the generator isn't running and we have no electricity.

My first observations:

• Despite reducing the amount of stuff that I have by 50%, it still feels like way too much
• Fire is incredibly important
• Cold is a state of mind

Moving in to my new home, I was struck by how it reminded me of my adventures long past, moving into a new culture in a far away place. It's not so much a house share as it is a little community, with a culture all its own.

All told, it was a more comfortable, warmer first night than I would have imagined. I am fully in my role as an observer, watching, learning, and asking questions. I will draw on those old memories of patience, get-stuck-initude, and creativity as I work to integrate myself here. 

With some luck, I should start to get the hang of things fairly quickly.

Can You Live Without a Job?

This is the question I've been asking myself for most of the evening.

As I break my life down, and begin to strip away unnecessary things, I am starting to wonder just how necessary having a job really is. Is this another area of my life I could minimize?

Anyone who has known me would call me a workaholic. I chased my career and I chased it hard. In particular, my married life brought on a fervor for career success unlike anything I'd experienced before.

Tonight, I started to ask myself why. Why do I need a job?

I was chasing success and status, I've concluded, partially as a response to fears and anxieties. My job could be my proof to the world that I am good enough. It was my proof to my ex that I deserved his love and care, it was my proof to my parents that I was successful. It was also a way to acquire all of the material goods in sight. 

I was using the status and the money to plug a gap in myself - I was trying to chuff this big black hole so full of stuff and external validation with the hope that I might come to feel happy. This was a big part of the life script, wasn't it? This is what we were meant to do to be happy. Get married, get a job, then eventually make babies, buy a house, buy a car...

Except it didn't work.

Now, for the first time, I am feeling a contentment that is unrelated to anything external. I don't need to wave my job around to justify my existence. I don't need to buy something to feel like I matter. I matter enough on my own, and stuff is seeming more of a burden than anything else. 

I feel like I am standing on the cusp of an opportunity. I want to live a life that is full of travel, full of passion and people, full of meaning and reading books and swimming in bodies of open water. I am slowly convincing myself, with the help of assorted internet non-conformists, that maybe there is a way to do all of these things and survive without the stress of a 9-5.

It is a terrifying thought, not having the security of a set monthly pay packet. 

Why, though? Why is it a terror? And, all terrors aside, can you live without a job?

Self Sufficiency Means Always Having Someone to Rely On

I am not sure what it is about having other capable (or even not so capable people) around that makes me want to ask for help.

Maybe it is this latent fear that I'm not good enough or that I don't know what I am doing, but my default instinct when I need to get something done is to ask someone else.

Those who know me know that I'm not lazy - I find pleasure and fulfillment in actively working on something. But I always pause, especially when it is something new, and then will succumb to feeling lost. I will ask for help.

One objective for Operation Greenrock is to train myself in self sufficiency. I've had my first taste of it this weekend, painting my cabin. I've not painted a room since my experiment with wall paper stripping and red paint in 9th grade. I had to get all of my own supplies. I had to provide all of the labour. Most crucially, I had to do it all myself.

The captain and my shipmates were friendly while I was there - sharing the odd cup of tea on a quick break. But no one sat with me while I painted. No one grabbed a roller. Once I was below deck, it was just me, 4 slightly uneven walls, and lots of paint.

As I got started, I felt annoyed. Why was everything looking shit? Why did the roller keep falling off the wire frame? Why won't the masking tape stick? I became my own cheerleader, egging me on to keep going. 

I was back today, getting the edging and difficult spaces done and laying on a second layer of paint to every surface. I contorted into all kinds of shapes, laying on my back to paint the ceiling and stretching to cover any remaining white. All in, I spent 10 hours painting this weekend.

And you know what? It looks really good! All done by me.

Developing self sufficiency, step by baby step, will mean that I will always have someone to rely on.

What should I learn next? What skills in life are as useful as painting?