Saturday

Saturdays on the boat are special.

More of my shipmates are home. There's no work to wake up before dawn to go to. The river comes alive. I can see my home in the daylight.

Outside and in, the boat looks like something the Wombles built when they were on vacation from Wimbledon Common.

Win waving from the deck of the ROR

The ROR, and our two sister ships, were all former working boats that previously hauled coal or other sundries. Just hulls when the admiral bought them, the remainder of the structure has been constructed by the by hand. Like a womble, the admiral has repurposed a lot of architectural salvage to create our home.

Saturday is also the day I come into to contact with the general public. We're moored in a beautiful spot, and on a bright, clear day, the path is full of pedestrians and cyclists, dog walkers and children.

Most of them have nothing nice to say about our boats.

Laden with my washing, not yet showered, wearing my muddy sneakers and knit cap, I climbed off the boat and met an elderly gentleman on the path.

"So, is it all illegal immigrants that live there, then?"

I started back at him.

"No... we're mostly poor young people"

"Ahhh. Poor young people."

He crossed his arms behind his back and continued his stroll.

This filled me with a strange type of anger. I realise this is a well-to-do area, and that the folk that live around here must think the worst when they see our boats. For me, this boat had been a place of immense healing. I love my boat family more every day.

We are a physicist, two uni students, a textile restorer, a security guard.

We're boat management - those who live and work on these boats, doing hard, dirty work every day.

We're a software developer and a care worker and an early childhood development expert.

We're a procurement whiz/jack of all trades for a car sharing club.

I am more angry at myself than at the old man. I didn't do my tribe justice when I went with 'mostly young and poor'.

I continue on to the laundromat. In my minimalist fashion, I enjoy not having a washing machine at home. It makes me think more about my clothes. I don't just wash things 'just because'. One wash a week is enough.

Sitting in front of the dryer is warm

If I am lucky, the physicist comes with me and we wash clothes together. We have join custody over a box of washing powder. We load the machines and head to the cafe for something greasy and some coffee.

I will usually disagree with the bill before we leave. Last time they charged me 30p more than they should have for my coffee.

It's the principle.

Lucky number 28

We usually stay at the laundromat while our clothes dry. It's warm, and you have to check the machines constantly. Things dry in a strange order. You take things out as they dry, hoping that will speed along the damp items that remain.You get down to your last few coins and hope it will do the job.

If not, it's off to the corner shop to buy a bottle of soda to break a bill for change.

Washing done, we wander back to the boat.

Everyone does their own thing until the generator (hereafter referred to as the 'genny') comes on at 18:30. When the lights come on, we cheer. We entertain each other. We watch nature programmes on BBC4 and bitch about our frustrations. We cook.

Once, we decided to drink boutique vodka and gin while watching a Disney movie marathon.

Aladdin takes on a whole new meaning whilst merry

We tore through the Little Mermaid, Mulan, and Aladdin before we ran out of steam, shouting out the lyrics to songs we didn't know we still remembered. The general and slightly inebriated consensus was that we are excellent singers and that Saturday karaokee needs to be a thing.

Saturday ends with stowing things in our cabins, checking the fire, and dampening the flue, before climbing into bed. We drift off to the sound of rain, waterfowl, and the river rolling along.

2 Rules for Life

In life, there are really only two rules. That's it.

Rule #1 - Don't be a dick.

Sometimes, it's really tempting to be a dick. I get it. Life throws a lot of little frustrations at us. Emotions well up and beg to be expressed.

Sometimes, we face people and situations that make us feel weak.There's a temptation to transfer that negative energy somewhere else. Usually to someone weaker. We want someone else to feel like we do.

When you transfer that energy, you're being a dick. 

When you shout at someone because you've had a shitty day at work, that's being a dick. When you nitpick the way someone does something because you've just been nitpicked yourself, you are being a dick. When you sigh loudly at someone struggling to get out of the train because you slept in and are late for work, you're a dick.

Cut the cycle of dickery. Don't pass it on. Surrender to that moment of feeling weak, engage in self care, and then decide whether you will accept the situation, change it, or leave it. 

Rule #2 - Be Excellent to Each Other

When you've mastered rule #1, the only other rule to follow in life is to be excellent to each other (all due credit to Bill & Ted for this turn of phrase).

Easier said than done. People can be difficult. Hard to understand. Sometimes they act down right vile.

Thing is, life is finite. And nothing in life is certain, including the duration of that life itself.

Since we've got this limited time with each other, it follows that there's no real advantage to being anything other than excellent to the people that you cross paths with. 

Hold doors for people. Say please and thank you. If someone falls down, help them up. If someone looks sad, ask them what's wrong and listen. Apologise when you hurt someone. Reach out to people you haven't heard from for a while and ask them how they are. Always make time for the people that you care about. Tell the people that you love that you love them. Tell them often. This is being excellent.

Today, I learned that someone I care about has died. It is deeply sad. I feel helpless in the face of such finality. I feel powerless facing this reality. I really don't want to say goodbye.

Out of this haze of grief, one thing I can see clearly is that I want my response to this tragedy to create something good. My friend that died lived life's two rules, and my friend's death has reminded me of why they are so important.

I want to make a deliberate and concentrated effort to be excellent to others, and I'd like to encourage you to do the same.

Go and show someone you care about them. Right now. It won't take long. 

How to Live Your Dreams: Part I

I moved onto the boat for three main reasons, recapped here:

1. Test my values - Can I live minimally? Can I relinquish my attachment to things?
2. Save Money
3. If 1 and 2 work out, start vagabonding

Vagabonding is my grail. It's what I have always wanted to do - to become a perpetual traveler with no fixed abode. Living in different places for long enough to know them, to learn the language and the people. And then to keep going.

Living our dreams is what we hope to do. So why do many of us get off track? Why is living the best way for us, in our one finite life, such a hard thing to do?

In this multi-part series (I haven't decided how many parts there will be yet - it's a work in progress), I will take you through how to live your dreams.

Part I: Know what your dreams are

"Wait a minute. Of course I know what my dreams are. This is supposed to be helpful how?"

Well... do you?

If you list out your dreams right now, what would they be? Think about it for a minute or two. I'm not going anywhere.

If you are anything like I was, your list might include things like these:

• To have a high paying, interesting job
• To live in a nice house that I own
• To go on holiday to interesting places
• To be respected by my peers and surrounded by interesting people
• To be viewed as an equal by my ex

So? Reasonable dreams? Achievable? Aren't these quite normal aspirations?

Perhaps. But there are issues with these, and one specific problem with all of them:

These are not me. These dreams are not my truth.

These dreams were dreamed with other people in mind. These dreams were driven by what they would say to others about me. These dreams had their outer limits set by others. In the case of being respected or seen as an equal, they were wholly dependent on others. 

To know what your dreams are, there is only one person to ask. Only one person whose opinion matters, only one person to set limits. That person is you.

To get to the real essence of your dreams, do the following:

1. Dream like a child. Guaranteed, when you were a kid, you had dreams. Boy they were big. Do you remember them (I bet you do)? Think about what you wanted to do when you were small, or think about what you'd like to do if you had zero responsibilities and endless time in front of you. Think about what you would do if you had a million dollars.
2. Set limits. Thing is, you're not a child. You (probably) don't have a million dollars. You have responsibilities and people you love. This is where you set your limits. The trick is that you need to do make sure these limits come from you, not from an external source. Stop saying, "This dream is impossible, I'm a partner/parent/carer. I'm old/poor/not sure where to start." Start asking, "How can I become a partner/parent/carer that does this? How can I do this starting from where I am now?"
3. Check your dreams and your limits against your ultimate aims. This is the litmus test. Ask yourself, "Will living this dream help me to achieve my ultimate aims in life?" Ask yourself, "This limit I've set, is it there to keep me on track to my aims?" If the answer to either is no, then you need to ask yourself why you have the dream or have set the limit. Answer honestly. 

Once you know what your dreams are, you're one step closer to living them. Don't rush and take the time to really think. Ask yourself a lot of questions. This is the only real way to know if you are following your bliss.

The Easy Way to Get to the Gym Everyday in 2014

You want to get fit? Want to build up strength and endurance? So, you went and purchased a gym membership, with the new plastic membership card taking pride of place in your wallet. Well done!

Thing is, getting to the gym can be a bit of a process, can't it? It's cold/raining/hailing/blowing with gale force wind outside. You're hungry/tired/stressed/looking forward to watching your favourite television show. There are 1,001 things you could do rather than go to the gym.

The buyer's remorse sets in. You've signed away £40/£50/£80 a month for the next year on that gym membership. If you don't use it, you're wasting resources. You won't get strong. Most importantly, you won't be caring for yourself in the way you intended.

But you're in luck! I have learned the secret to getting yourself to the gym every day. What's more, it's easy! You will wake up in the morning looking forward to getting to the gym. The weather won't matter. What's on TV won't matter. You'll find yourself thinking about the reasons to go rather than the excuses not to go.

The best part - I will share my method with you completely for free.

The easy way to get to the gym every day in 2014 is to have a shower like this in your home:

Enter the shower

First, you need to build it where there is no heating, and with single pane windows that face directly onto a wide open surface. There should be nothing between the outside and the glass to break the wind.

The tanks... basically glorified pressure washers

Then, have no running water. Don't plumb that shower in! Instead, make it a process, where you need to boil up hot water to fill the tanks. Once full, you need to pump them to build up enough pressure.

The 'shower head'

Finally, use no fancy shower head attachments. A large aquarium cleaner head will do!

Once you have constructed your shower, the gym instantly becomes a magical place. There's hot running water you can use, hands free. There's central heating, meaning that you don't risk pneumonia every time you wash and then stand in a freezing room soaked from head to toe. And the shower can last for more than 4 minutes!

Using the easy way to get to the gym everyday in 2014, I've already gone everyday since December 1st, with the exception of Christmas Day and Boxing Day (when I got just a little bit ripe). That's all there is to it.

You'll find that going to the gym becomes as much a part of your day as taking a shower.

The First Month of Boatlife in 25 Bullet Points

It's hard to believe, but I've reached the one month mark. Actually, a bit beyond a month, as I moved in on December 1st. One month of watching and learning. One month of thinking and writing.

So, is it cold? Yes. Is it hard work? Yes. Are some of the people mental? Yes. Do I regret moving on to the boat? Not for one minute.

Here are 25 reflections on my first month of boat life:

• Living minimally has as much, if not more, to do with clearing the clutter out of your mind as it does with clearing the physical clutter out of your space.
• Little things matter. Heat. Electricity. Clean clothes. Showers. Hot water. I appreciate them more.
• Old hippies make excellent conversation partners.
• I feel an enormous sense of accomplishment everyday, because I do more every day.
• I notice the little victories - every time I come aboard and don't end up in the Thames is a win.
• I am a more capable human being than I was a month ago. I can make fire.
• Not having a proper shower at home is one of the best things that ever happened to me.
• It's hard to feel sad for long when you watch the river roll by.
• I am obsessed with the weather. Storms are scary. Rain matters a lot.
• Less internet makes me more efficient when I have it, and more social once it is done for the day.
• There is great pleasure in taking care of yourself. 
• The mind goes quiet when you focus on the physical sensations of your body at work.
• There is a genie that lives in our teapot.
• Related to the teapot, people that did LSD for decades make interesting conversation partners.
• I can use a circular saw, a jig saw, and I am an expert with silicon sealant. 
• Staying over at a friends house feels like staying at a luxury hotel.
• We are so ridiculously lucky, and most of us are so absurdly unaware of it.
• The universe provides, so long as you open your eyes and are receptive.
• There are spiders everywhere and not much you can do about it.
• I get unnecessarily angry when someone shits in the piss loo.
• Even living on the edge, there is abundance. Even if you can't see it at first.
• Chalkboard paint is bad ass.
• You won't die if you brush your teeth with river water.
• People carry lots of different kinds of pain. Everyone has a story. There is value in listening to them.
• Kindness takes many forms. Receive gratefully, show it often.

What lessons are to come in month two?

Beyond Resolutions to Success

How many resolution-based Facebook statuses have you read today?

At the beginning of January, we reflect on the year just gone, and turn our dreaming mind to the possibilities of the year just arrived. We draw energy from this process, as we peer into this near future of could-bes.

I celebrated the arrival of 2014 like it was Bacchanalia in ancient Rome. I spent 14 hours soak in wine, dancing myself to ecstasy, and symbolically letting go of 2013. It was animal, and it was good. 

Now, with the previous year released, it is time to look forward. 

Often, New Year's resolutions don't last long before ending in disappointment. The aforementioned Facebook statuses could be part of that problem. Sometimes, sharing our goals with others can actually make us less likely to achieve them.

How can you achieve what you want to in the year ahead? How can you move beyond resolving to succeed to actual success?

Here are 3 simple ways to get started:

1. Know your priorities. Any of your goals should align with your ultimate aims in life. If they don't, are they really worth pursuing?
2. Do it for yourself. Just as with taking care of yourself, your goals shouldn't be about other people. They should be about you. 
3. Dream... then act. Our dream minds are powerful things. They help us to see what could be. But your dreams will remain nothing but unless you act. Do something now to move closer to your goal - something other than telling someone about it.

The best part? You don't need a new year to start making changes or working on goals. Your dreaming mind is always there, and you always have the power to act.

How will you better align your life with your ultimate aims in 2014?

The Evolution of Ownership

Ownership is a funny concept. Variously defined, I've settled on "the right to the possession of a thing".

As children, we are taught what is 'ours' and what belongs to others. We're taught the art of sharing, all the while being reminded that what is ours should remain ours, and should return with us at the end of play time.

As we grow, some of us lose our things by force, or by bad fortune, or by our own forgetfulness. We experience loss and it is painful. We then have to do without our things, or save up to replace them.

With time, we learn jealousy, seeing the things others have and wanting them for ourselves. We look at our own lives, and think, why do I not have these things?

When owning things has meaning, we learn that owning relationships does, too. We obsess over others, we chase others, we feel jealousy when we cannot have others. We plant flags in our relationships.

Finally, if relationships with others can be owned, logically we, too, can be owned. We sell our time to our employers, we declare to partners that we are 'theirs', and we contract out our futures by acquiring debts.

Oddly, it is following this move from owner to owned that we are called fully adult.

I'm not the first one to muse on ownership - plenty of philosophers, sages, and prophets have done so before I moved onto this boat to think about life. Now, though, I understand why it's a much discussed subject:

• The concept of ownership is false. Nothing is ever owned. Things can be borrowed, used, taken by force, but never really owned. Life is finite - what is ours today is lost tomorrow.
• Ownership has a great power over our minds. It drives us to make massive trade offs in our lives. It discourages us from chasing our bliss. It compels us to hoard. At the worst, it brings out our cruelty; it arouses in us greed and malice.
• Rejecting ownership is a revolutionary concept. The established social order is predicated on ownership as a central aim in life. Dropping ownership as an aim is a direct challenge to that order.

So, what can you do to break the habit of ownership? I imagine living life in a barrel or suggesting that you sell all your posessions and give the proceeds to the poor might be a bit extreme. Instead, begin with the following:

• Aim to create more than you consume.
• Be kind to yourself, and to others.
• Give time, rather than things.
• Recognise the abundance all around you. Make a conscious effort to see it everyday.

And ask yourself, if everything you own disappeared tomorrow, what would you really have left?

My Minimalist Birthday

I've been trying to write all weekend. My mind has been bursting full of ideas - generating stubs and threads and interesting points of discussion.

These will follow as proper posts before long. But to clear the block and to clear my mind, I first need to give a voice to the weekend just gone.

My birthday was yesterday. December 22nd is a funny day - everyone has Christmas on the brain. Everyone is strapped for cash and for time.

I used to take quite a materialist, scarcity-based view of this day. More stuff going on in the lives of others meant less time for me. Fewer gifts for me, I thought, meant less love. My birthday often made me feel empty and uncared for, forgotten in the hubbub of the Christmas season.

This year, I travelled to Brussels, where a small group of some of the most interesting, beautiful, and achingly cool people I know live. I went into it with the aim of enjoying this company. And, if it all went tits up, there was always the best beer in the world as a back up plan.

How did it go?

I swam. I went to an improv battle in French, and understood most of it. I went to an underground club and danced with abandon to Belgian 80s classics. I stayed up all hours discussing life and programming languages. I met a friend from my high school exchange year in Finland. I drank mulled wine in a Christmas market. I felt like the richest person alive, all for less than 50 Euros.

The time we choose to share with others is our most profound and valuable gift. A few hours snatched out of the day to tell our stories, a message sent from half way around the world, the enthusiastic sharing of our normal lives - this is what actually matters.

Celebrating others has nothing to do with things or organized get-togethers. There was no formal party. No sitting in a circle receiving gifts. No obligation or pressure on anyone to show face. Instead, those that chose to spend time with me in this place were showing that they were happy that I was born because they are happy to be with me now.

As Christmas nears, the best thing any of us can do to show our love for others is to spend time rather than money, and to do this often throughout the year.

Who can you reach out to right now that you care for?

How to Turn Setbacks to Your Advantage

Setbacks happen. They can be life shattering, like divorce, or mildly annoying, like having to wait for the next bus because the current one is full.

This has been my week of setbacks. It began with a battery that died at a bad time, followed by two difficult days at work, and has continued with the maybe end of a delightful love affair. Suffice to say, I have had better weeks.

When setbacks cascade like this, it is easy to assume that life is heading off on some doomed trajectory. It can feel overwhelming. It can feel like you will be down forever.

The good news is, setbacks are not forever. You can deal with setbacks, and you can turn them to your advantage.

First, you have to deal with the setback:

• Surrender in the moment. When you first meet a set back, you will have an emotional response. Anger. Sadness. Disappointment. Don't fight it - just feel it. 
• Show yourself kindness. It can be as quick as forgiving yourself in the moment, or it can require more time, like going for a run or a swim. Don't skip this step.
• Identify the immediate issue. Once the emotions have passed, identify the issue. If you've missed a bus, the issue is that you will be delayed or that you must find a new route. 
• Act on the issue, not the emotion. Take targeted action on the issue you have identified. If you've been delayed, let someone know you will be late. If you need to find a new route, ask someone or consult a map.

Acting on emotions rather than issues is ineffective. If your emotions are not subsiding, wait. Talk to someone you trust before acting. Talking out loud about a situation diffuses emotions and gives clarity to the real issue.

Once the immediate issue is dealt with, turn the setback to your advantage by following these 3 steps:

1. Analyse. Your life is your best teacher. How did this setback arise? What emotions did it bring up? Why? Were they a help or a hindrance? Was it easy or difficult to address the issue at hand?
2. Prepare. This new information is valuable. It shows you what steps you can take to prevent or mitigate similar setbacks in future. Did that run really clear your head after an argument? Would it be worth picking up a transport map?
3. Harness. Every setback is an opportunity. It is a chance to improve, refine, change direction, and to become a better you. Harness this. Find the good shit in the bad shit.

With practice, turning setbacks to advantages becomes habit. You can master this alchemy, starting now.

What has set you back recently? How will you turn this to your advantage?

3 Simple Ways to Care for Yourself

When you are setting your priorities in life, how do you make sure to look after yourself everyday?

Blogger Minimal Student writes a thought provoking piece on persistence, a lesson she learned over time through running. It is an excellent article, but perhaps the most profound snippet is found toward the end:

I had neglected my body for years, but now it was one of my highest priorities. Being healthier became a part of my daily life, rather than something I begrudgingly tried to fit into it.

Why is caring for ourselves something that we try to 'fit in' around everything else?

We see around us global epidemics brought about by poor lifestyle. Obesity is outwardly visible, and stress, anxiety, and depression are hidden. Both are precursors to more serious conditions, like cardiovascular disease, hypertension, and stroke, among others.

These epidemics have their roots in a failure to prioritize self, in favour of prioritizing the external. I understand why this happens - if we aren't deliberately focusing on our well being, it is easy to get distracted by the life going on all around us, rather than the life we are living.

So what can we do about it? Here are 3 simple ways to start caring for yourself today:

1. See caring for yourself as a part of your day. If you conceive of self care as naturally as waking up, getting dressed, or brushing your teeth, you will do it. Adopt the mantra - Taking care of my self is part of my day, not something that I squeeze in. 
2. Do it for yourself. Don't lose weight for your partner. Don't stop smoking for your kids. Don't start eating healthy to be on trend. Do these things for you. Know that you are doing them for you, as a way to show yourself love. Don't share that gift with anyone else. When you regularly care for yourself, you will be a better partner, parent, and friend just by being yourself. 
3. Stop rushing and start planning. By now, it's clear that self care is pretty damned important. What do we do for important things? We plan. Take time today to plan for self care tomorrow. Pack your running gear tonight. Make a shopping list for the ingredients that you need to pick up tomorrow. If you go into self care in a rush, you will carry that negative feeling of rush and stress with you.

These 3 simple ways to care for yourself can be applied to anything you would like to do to show yourself care - it's the same whether you are looking to take exercise as much as if you are wanting to meditate. 

Do those things every day that will help you to be the best you. You owe it to yourself.

How to Prioritize

Is your to do list longer than your arm? Does thinking about the things that need to get done discourage you?

We often choose to spend our time without thinking about it. Our lives are filled with external distractions - advertising entices us, our bosses ask us to work late, and our tech bings and flashes with news and updates.

Getting a bit of head space, then, is a challenge. With the constant distraction and the endless ways we could spend little bits of our lives, how to choose? How to decide?

I went to a time management seminar at Inner Space. The seminar details were posted at work, but I think our HR team didn't know that Inner Space is a hippy haven. This wasn't to be your typical time management seminar, drawing grids and deciding if something is both important and urgent or not.

Instead, the seminar leader encouraged us to focus on our ultimate aims in life. Not on hitting targets. Not on achieving the highest profit in time for quarter end. Instead, she suggested the following 3 aims:

1. Unconditional contentment
2. Unconditional love
3. Unconditional peace

These 3 aims are focused on your internal state rather than on the external world. They are also achievable, regardless of what is going on around you. 

The seminar ended with the leader advising that, if we consider our aims in all that we do, and if we let go of the things that won't help us achieve these aims, many things on our to do list will fall away.

Think about something on your to do list right now. Ask yourself - will doing this thing lead me closer to a state of internal contentment, love, and peace? If it won't, then is it truly necessary?

The more you do this, the more you may be surprised to learn how many things on your to do list are externally motivated and directed: 

• Are you chasing that promotion to increase your esteem in the eyes of others, or are you doing it because you are passionate about it, and it will bring you contentment in your work?
• Are you trying to lose weight to appear more attractive to others, or are you trying to improve your health and fitness so that you can pursue your passions and show yourself love?
• Are you buying things for your home in order to display it with pride to others, or are you working to create a space where you can find peace?

Following this simple self interrogation technique, you may find that some items remain on your list, but the motivation behind them is clarified. By knowing that you are working on something that will bring you closer to your aims, you will find that life becomes less of a chore and more of a joy.

Take a look at your to do list right now. What will those things help you to achieve? 

How to Save Money in One Simple Step

I read something today that made me stop for a good few moments and think. I'd just finished reading an excellent blog post over at Minimal Student. She asks two good question, which I repeat with my answers below:

What would you do if you had a million dollars?

I would get up and go. I would stick £50k in the bank as a panic fund, and then I would go. I would go like I used to go - I would get a sniff of something, a hunch, and I would follow it to wherever in the world it led. 

As I went, I would spend my time working with marginalized people. I would spend my time campaigning for a more sex positive world. I would learn how to pole dance. I would study language intensively. And I would regularly drink an obscene amount of beer and stay up talking all night.

Is there a way I could do it for less?

Maybe...

Here's where I got stuck. Well, sure, I could do some of these things for less. But that would mean letting go of some security. It would mean taking risks. It would mean making decisions. It would mean saving up a bit. Not a million dollars, but something.

Then, out of the depths of the internet, a wild quote appeared. It showed me a way to save money in one simple step, and that was to remember:

The price of something is how much life you trade for it.

So much of what we hang on to and conflate with security is simply an illusion. Chasing after cash in order to chase after possessions to pack out our homes brings with it a comfort of sorts. We think we have plenty of things that we might need some day. We think, well, if it ever gets really bad there's stuff to sell.

We look around our stuff fiefdoms and think, look at all I have.

The problem with approaching life this way is that stuff is just stuff. It is not what matters. When I look back on the last years of my life, on the time leading up to Operation Greenrock, I wonder what I've gained. What did I trade all of those years of life for?

I have gained in many respects. I had to trade all of that life to wind up where I am now. I had to trade all of that life to learn skills. I had to trade that life in order to have some moments of total bliss.

At the same time, though, I am questioning deeply if I am prepared to keep trading life now for the mysterious prospect of gains in the future. If divorce teaches you one thing, it teaches you that nothing in life is certain.

You, too, can save money in one simple step by asking yourself, the next time you are thinking to acquire something, how much of my life am I trading for this? Is it really worth it?

Self Sufficiency Means Always Having Someone to Rely On

I am not sure what it is about having other capable (or even not so capable people) around that makes me want to ask for help.

Maybe it is this latent fear that I'm not good enough or that I don't know what I am doing, but my default instinct when I need to get something done is to ask someone else.

Those who know me know that I'm not lazy - I find pleasure and fulfillment in actively working on something. But I always pause, especially when it is something new, and then will succumb to feeling lost. I will ask for help.

One objective for Operation Greenrock is to train myself in self sufficiency. I've had my first taste of it this weekend, painting my cabin. I've not painted a room since my experiment with wall paper stripping and red paint in 9th grade. I had to get all of my own supplies. I had to provide all of the labour. Most crucially, I had to do it all myself.

The captain and my shipmates were friendly while I was there - sharing the odd cup of tea on a quick break. But no one sat with me while I painted. No one grabbed a roller. Once I was below deck, it was just me, 4 slightly uneven walls, and lots of paint.

As I got started, I felt annoyed. Why was everything looking shit? Why did the roller keep falling off the wire frame? Why won't the masking tape stick? I became my own cheerleader, egging me on to keep going. 

I was back today, getting the edging and difficult spaces done and laying on a second layer of paint to every surface. I contorted into all kinds of shapes, laying on my back to paint the ceiling and stretching to cover any remaining white. All in, I spent 10 hours painting this weekend.

And you know what? It looks really good! All done by me.

Developing self sufficiency, step by baby step, will mean that I will always have someone to rely on.

What should I learn next? What skills in life are as useful as painting?

Making a Boat a Home

There's nothing that quite says 'this room is mine' like painting it. Especially if you are painting it something other than white.

I spent all of today thinking about painting, going all around London buying paint, and then painting. I've still not finished, but I've made a decent start...

This is the view standing in the back corner of my room

This is the view standing at the door to my room

This, apparently, is my bed frame. If you can't tell, that's a door hoisted up on top of a welded steel structure. 

The one wall with a second coat so far - looking remarkably smooth and even!

Back to the boat tomorrow for round two. To build some suspense, let me simply say that there is something very special about this paint, to be revealed on moving in day! Any guesses?

Life is Weird

I had a funny conversation with a visiting friend this weekend. To paraphrase, it went something like this:

"You know, in life there is shit. Bad shit. You never see it coming, but you know it is coming. It came to you before and with certitude you know it is coming again. But bad shit can become good shit, or it can lead you in the direction of good shit. And you never know when good shit is coming, either. It takes you by surprise, too. Putain. We're drunk"

Not that long ago, I was feeling certain that life was going to be nothing more than a long, dull trudge toward death. That's a bleak thought, but then depression tends to be like that. I spent this last summer living in a strange world devoid of all possibility. I was emptied of creative energy and couldn't see what to do.

And then it all changed.

What changed was that I started to make decisions. At first, it was simply deciding to be alone and keep myself entertained. Then deciding what to buy, deciding to cook or get take away. Deciding to be clean or messy. Deciding to be on time or late.

The more decisions I made, the more clearly I could see that this power to decide helps in two significant ways:

1. It makes you an actor in your life. You begin to look at life from a position of power, rather than from the perspective of a passive victim.
2. Things start happening. It is not possible to make things happen if you never decide to do anything.

In deciding, I also accept responsibility for the outcomes of those decisions. Before, I was obsessed with control, I was angry when I couldn't control everything, and I refused to decide. In fact, I actively tried to avoid making decisions wherever possible. If I didn't decide, and things just happened to me, then I wouldn't need to feel shame or guilt if I failed to achieve.

Not going to lie - deciding can be scary. Deciding to move to a tiny space on a boat with a whole mess of strangers is scary. Deciding to get rid of most of my stuff is scary. Deciding to make friends and to try meeting people is scary. 

But it has also returned the colour to my life, and it has opened up the world. Life is full of possibility. And hardly a moment is dull.