How to Live Your Dreams: Part I

I moved onto the boat for three main reasons, recapped here:

1. Test my values - Can I live minimally? Can I relinquish my attachment to things?
2. Save Money
3. If 1 and 2 work out, start vagabonding

Vagabonding is my grail. It's what I have always wanted to do - to become a perpetual traveler with no fixed abode. Living in different places for long enough to know them, to learn the language and the people. And then to keep going.

Living our dreams is what we hope to do. So why do many of us get off track? Why is living the best way for us, in our one finite life, such a hard thing to do?

In this multi-part series (I haven't decided how many parts there will be yet - it's a work in progress), I will take you through how to live your dreams.

Part I: Know what your dreams are

"Wait a minute. Of course I know what my dreams are. This is supposed to be helpful how?"

Well... do you?

If you list out your dreams right now, what would they be? Think about it for a minute or two. I'm not going anywhere.

If you are anything like I was, your list might include things like these:

• To have a high paying, interesting job
• To live in a nice house that I own
• To go on holiday to interesting places
• To be respected by my peers and surrounded by interesting people
• To be viewed as an equal by my ex

So? Reasonable dreams? Achievable? Aren't these quite normal aspirations?

Perhaps. But there are issues with these, and one specific problem with all of them:

These are not me. These dreams are not my truth.

These dreams were dreamed with other people in mind. These dreams were driven by what they would say to others about me. These dreams had their outer limits set by others. In the case of being respected or seen as an equal, they were wholly dependent on others. 

To know what your dreams are, there is only one person to ask. Only one person whose opinion matters, only one person to set limits. That person is you.

To get to the real essence of your dreams, do the following:

1. Dream like a child. Guaranteed, when you were a kid, you had dreams. Boy they were big. Do you remember them (I bet you do)? Think about what you wanted to do when you were small, or think about what you'd like to do if you had zero responsibilities and endless time in front of you. Think about what you would do if you had a million dollars.
2. Set limits. Thing is, you're not a child. You (probably) don't have a million dollars. You have responsibilities and people you love. This is where you set your limits. The trick is that you need to do make sure these limits come from you, not from an external source. Stop saying, "This dream is impossible, I'm a partner/parent/carer. I'm old/poor/not sure where to start." Start asking, "How can I become a partner/parent/carer that does this? How can I do this starting from where I am now?"
3. Check your dreams and your limits against your ultimate aims. This is the litmus test. Ask yourself, "Will living this dream help me to achieve my ultimate aims in life?" Ask yourself, "This limit I've set, is it there to keep me on track to my aims?" If the answer to either is no, then you need to ask yourself why you have the dream or have set the limit. Answer honestly. 

Once you know what your dreams are, you're one step closer to living them. Don't rush and take the time to really think. Ask yourself a lot of questions. This is the only real way to know if you are following your bliss.

Beyond Resolutions to Success

How many resolution-based Facebook statuses have you read today?

At the beginning of January, we reflect on the year just gone, and turn our dreaming mind to the possibilities of the year just arrived. We draw energy from this process, as we peer into this near future of could-bes.

I celebrated the arrival of 2014 like it was Bacchanalia in ancient Rome. I spent 14 hours soak in wine, dancing myself to ecstasy, and symbolically letting go of 2013. It was animal, and it was good. 

Now, with the previous year released, it is time to look forward. 

Often, New Year's resolutions don't last long before ending in disappointment. The aforementioned Facebook statuses could be part of that problem. Sometimes, sharing our goals with others can actually make us less likely to achieve them.

How can you achieve what you want to in the year ahead? How can you move beyond resolving to succeed to actual success?

Here are 3 simple ways to get started:

1. Know your priorities. Any of your goals should align with your ultimate aims in life. If they don't, are they really worth pursuing?
2. Do it for yourself. Just as with taking care of yourself, your goals shouldn't be about other people. They should be about you. 
3. Dream... then act. Our dream minds are powerful things. They help us to see what could be. But your dreams will remain nothing but unless you act. Do something now to move closer to your goal - something other than telling someone about it.

The best part? You don't need a new year to start making changes or working on goals. Your dreaming mind is always there, and you always have the power to act.

How will you better align your life with your ultimate aims in 2014?

The Evolution of Ownership

Ownership is a funny concept. Variously defined, I've settled on "the right to the possession of a thing".

As children, we are taught what is 'ours' and what belongs to others. We're taught the art of sharing, all the while being reminded that what is ours should remain ours, and should return with us at the end of play time.

As we grow, some of us lose our things by force, or by bad fortune, or by our own forgetfulness. We experience loss and it is painful. We then have to do without our things, or save up to replace them.

With time, we learn jealousy, seeing the things others have and wanting them for ourselves. We look at our own lives, and think, why do I not have these things?

When owning things has meaning, we learn that owning relationships does, too. We obsess over others, we chase others, we feel jealousy when we cannot have others. We plant flags in our relationships.

Finally, if relationships with others can be owned, logically we, too, can be owned. We sell our time to our employers, we declare to partners that we are 'theirs', and we contract out our futures by acquiring debts.

Oddly, it is following this move from owner to owned that we are called fully adult.

I'm not the first one to muse on ownership - plenty of philosophers, sages, and prophets have done so before I moved onto this boat to think about life. Now, though, I understand why it's a much discussed subject:

• The concept of ownership is false. Nothing is ever owned. Things can be borrowed, used, taken by force, but never really owned. Life is finite - what is ours today is lost tomorrow.
• Ownership has a great power over our minds. It drives us to make massive trade offs in our lives. It discourages us from chasing our bliss. It compels us to hoard. At the worst, it brings out our cruelty; it arouses in us greed and malice.
• Rejecting ownership is a revolutionary concept. The established social order is predicated on ownership as a central aim in life. Dropping ownership as an aim is a direct challenge to that order.

So, what can you do to break the habit of ownership? I imagine living life in a barrel or suggesting that you sell all your posessions and give the proceeds to the poor might be a bit extreme. Instead, begin with the following:

• Aim to create more than you consume.
• Be kind to yourself, and to others.
• Give time, rather than things.
• Recognise the abundance all around you. Make a conscious effort to see it everyday.

And ask yourself, if everything you own disappeared tomorrow, what would you really have left?

How to Turn Setbacks to Your Advantage

Setbacks happen. They can be life shattering, like divorce, or mildly annoying, like having to wait for the next bus because the current one is full.

This has been my week of setbacks. It began with a battery that died at a bad time, followed by two difficult days at work, and has continued with the maybe end of a delightful love affair. Suffice to say, I have had better weeks.

When setbacks cascade like this, it is easy to assume that life is heading off on some doomed trajectory. It can feel overwhelming. It can feel like you will be down forever.

The good news is, setbacks are not forever. You can deal with setbacks, and you can turn them to your advantage.

First, you have to deal with the setback:

• Surrender in the moment. When you first meet a set back, you will have an emotional response. Anger. Sadness. Disappointment. Don't fight it - just feel it. 
• Show yourself kindness. It can be as quick as forgiving yourself in the moment, or it can require more time, like going for a run or a swim. Don't skip this step.
• Identify the immediate issue. Once the emotions have passed, identify the issue. If you've missed a bus, the issue is that you will be delayed or that you must find a new route. 
• Act on the issue, not the emotion. Take targeted action on the issue you have identified. If you've been delayed, let someone know you will be late. If you need to find a new route, ask someone or consult a map.

Acting on emotions rather than issues is ineffective. If your emotions are not subsiding, wait. Talk to someone you trust before acting. Talking out loud about a situation diffuses emotions and gives clarity to the real issue.

Once the immediate issue is dealt with, turn the setback to your advantage by following these 3 steps:

1. Analyse. Your life is your best teacher. How did this setback arise? What emotions did it bring up? Why? Were they a help or a hindrance? Was it easy or difficult to address the issue at hand?
2. Prepare. This new information is valuable. It shows you what steps you can take to prevent or mitigate similar setbacks in future. Did that run really clear your head after an argument? Would it be worth picking up a transport map?
3. Harness. Every setback is an opportunity. It is a chance to improve, refine, change direction, and to become a better you. Harness this. Find the good shit in the bad shit.

With practice, turning setbacks to advantages becomes habit. You can master this alchemy, starting now.

What has set you back recently? How will you turn this to your advantage?

3 Simple Ways to Care for Yourself

When you are setting your priorities in life, how do you make sure to look after yourself everyday?

Blogger Minimal Student writes a thought provoking piece on persistence, a lesson she learned over time through running. It is an excellent article, but perhaps the most profound snippet is found toward the end:

I had neglected my body for years, but now it was one of my highest priorities. Being healthier became a part of my daily life, rather than something I begrudgingly tried to fit into it.

Why is caring for ourselves something that we try to 'fit in' around everything else?

We see around us global epidemics brought about by poor lifestyle. Obesity is outwardly visible, and stress, anxiety, and depression are hidden. Both are precursors to more serious conditions, like cardiovascular disease, hypertension, and stroke, among others.

These epidemics have their roots in a failure to prioritize self, in favour of prioritizing the external. I understand why this happens - if we aren't deliberately focusing on our well being, it is easy to get distracted by the life going on all around us, rather than the life we are living.

So what can we do about it? Here are 3 simple ways to start caring for yourself today:

1. See caring for yourself as a part of your day. If you conceive of self care as naturally as waking up, getting dressed, or brushing your teeth, you will do it. Adopt the mantra - Taking care of my self is part of my day, not something that I squeeze in. 
2. Do it for yourself. Don't lose weight for your partner. Don't stop smoking for your kids. Don't start eating healthy to be on trend. Do these things for you. Know that you are doing them for you, as a way to show yourself love. Don't share that gift with anyone else. When you regularly care for yourself, you will be a better partner, parent, and friend just by being yourself. 
3. Stop rushing and start planning. By now, it's clear that self care is pretty damned important. What do we do for important things? We plan. Take time today to plan for self care tomorrow. Pack your running gear tonight. Make a shopping list for the ingredients that you need to pick up tomorrow. If you go into self care in a rush, you will carry that negative feeling of rush and stress with you.

These 3 simple ways to care for yourself can be applied to anything you would like to do to show yourself care - it's the same whether you are looking to take exercise as much as if you are wanting to meditate. 

Do those things every day that will help you to be the best you. You owe it to yourself.

How to Prioritize

Is your to do list longer than your arm? Does thinking about the things that need to get done discourage you?

We often choose to spend our time without thinking about it. Our lives are filled with external distractions - advertising entices us, our bosses ask us to work late, and our tech bings and flashes with news and updates.

Getting a bit of head space, then, is a challenge. With the constant distraction and the endless ways we could spend little bits of our lives, how to choose? How to decide?

I went to a time management seminar at Inner Space. The seminar details were posted at work, but I think our HR team didn't know that Inner Space is a hippy haven. This wasn't to be your typical time management seminar, drawing grids and deciding if something is both important and urgent or not.

Instead, the seminar leader encouraged us to focus on our ultimate aims in life. Not on hitting targets. Not on achieving the highest profit in time for quarter end. Instead, she suggested the following 3 aims:

1. Unconditional contentment
2. Unconditional love
3. Unconditional peace

These 3 aims are focused on your internal state rather than on the external world. They are also achievable, regardless of what is going on around you. 

The seminar ended with the leader advising that, if we consider our aims in all that we do, and if we let go of the things that won't help us achieve these aims, many things on our to do list will fall away.

Think about something on your to do list right now. Ask yourself - will doing this thing lead me closer to a state of internal contentment, love, and peace? If it won't, then is it truly necessary?

The more you do this, the more you may be surprised to learn how many things on your to do list are externally motivated and directed: 

• Are you chasing that promotion to increase your esteem in the eyes of others, or are you doing it because you are passionate about it, and it will bring you contentment in your work?
• Are you trying to lose weight to appear more attractive to others, or are you trying to improve your health and fitness so that you can pursue your passions and show yourself love?
• Are you buying things for your home in order to display it with pride to others, or are you working to create a space where you can find peace?

Following this simple self interrogation technique, you may find that some items remain on your list, but the motivation behind them is clarified. By knowing that you are working on something that will bring you closer to your aims, you will find that life becomes less of a chore and more of a joy.

Take a look at your to do list right now. What will those things help you to achieve? 

Minimizing Fear

Fear is a funny thing.

It is at once an instinct that keeps us from harm, while also being an irrationality that holds us back. Plus, it feels bloody awful in the moment.

An unexpected side effect of the last several months has been the decrease in the fear that I feel. As I moved away from the end of my marriage, as I got my mind sorted out, as I started to make decisions, and when I started to work on Operation Greenrock - at each step, the fear that I carried lessened a bit.

That said, I still have fears...

Arriving home on a December evening

I feel fear in the dark. The end of my walk home takes me through a very dark park to the river's edge, where the waiting lights of the boat eventually rise up out of the river.

The piss loo window on a Tuesday morning in December

I feel fear sitting on the piss loo (so named because we have a separate loo for doing "big jobs") in the early morning, thinking about what creepy crawlies might surprise me mid-stream.

My (incomplete) fear inventory from there goes something like this:

• Fear of taking risks
• Fear of not being able to take care of my self
• Fear of foxes, rats, bees, and spiders
• Fear of losing face
• Fear of missing out 

What can you do about fear?

The key to reducing fear involves three steps:

1. Surrender to it in the moment. Fear, like all emotions, is inherently valid when you feel it. Ride the wave out and be kind to yourself afterwards. Remember: your feelings don't define you.
2. Build a body of proof that you are stronger than you think. When you are doing something that shows objectively that you are capable, be mindful of it. Pause and become the observer. Take note. Say to yourself, "Look what I can do". 
3. Set yourself challenges. As you build up your body of proof that you are stronger than you think, set yourself small challenges to your fear. When I still felt a powerful fear when faced with making decisions, I started out with making a very small decision, like what to eat for dinner.

Reducing fear over time involves a cycle of steps 1-3, not always repeating in that order, with an emphasis on diligent mindfulness throughout. 

As I continue pursuing a more minimal lifestyle, minimizing fear steadily is as important to me as minimizing the amount of stuff in my life.

What are you afraid of? What one thing could you do today to challenge your fear?

The Scarcity Mindset

What's your starting point for looking at life?

Is life a struggle, where you have to hold on to what you've got at any cost, lest you lose it? Is it a competition, where more for someone else means less for you? Is it a maze set with traps, where you never quite have everything you need?

This is the scarcity mindset. It's common and its side effects are well known - it brings stress, worry, and anxiety. This scarcity mindset is a big part of what drives materialism.

I saw the threat of loss around every corner. I saw material loss, where not earning enough meant not having the things I 'needed', as well as loss of esteem, where others would think less of me for not having enough things. 

Starting with scarcity of things, the mind extrapolates. Surely, if there is scarcity in the realm of the material, then there must be other scarcities in life. Scarcity of time. Scarcity of love. Scarcity of affection. Scarcity of peace and happiness. 

Eventually, every moment of occasional happiness was accompanied by an emptiness at knowing that the happiness would end. That I would lose it. The occasional moment of true affection from my increasingly distant partner would leave me feeling despair, because I knew that it would be lost again so soon.

The thing about life is that perception becomes reality.

To fix the scarcity mindset, you must make one clear decision - you must reject it, and choose instead a mindset of abundance.

I now choose to see that we live in an abundant world. We live in a human world, where our capacity for kindness and love is limitless, and where kindness begets kindness and love begets love. That's not to say that that things don't go to shit from time to time, but that shit is the occasional occurrence rather than the norm.

How do you develop the abundance mindset?

It all starts with you. If you see scarcity in yourself - if you see a lack of capability in yourself, if you have a shortage of love and kindness toward yourself, this is what you will see in the world. 

If, on the other hand, you recognise your own abundance, you will see abundance in the world. If you recognise the wealth that is your experience and if you show yourself love and kindness, you will have what you need. 

This change of perspective is a part of why I want to live a more minimal life. It has helped me to hone in on what is important to me, and to see self-care as a core part of my everyday life, rather than something for special occasions. It has shown me that I have what I need internally to function, without needing constant external validation of my worth as a person - including external validators like a big TV and lots of shoes.

How do you choose to view the world?